The cycle your relationship is caught in
And how to get out
The most common dynamic I see in couples is what we call “the cycle.” Cycles are negative, self-reinforcing feedback loops that keep partners stuck in fights and block repair and reconnection. They happen when partners try to regulate insecurities and reestablish connection. However, as we’ll see, their attempts are misguided and paradoxically lead to heightened insecurity. Tracking, understanding, and reworking these cycles is a core intervention in couples therapy.
The most common cycle is the “pursue-withdraw” cycle. The “pursuer” is typically the one in the relationship who monitors the emotional connection and first senses when something is “off.” Pursuers are highly sensitive to signs of disconnection and attempt to regain closeness by moving towards their partner. But they tend to do so using insecure attachment strategies such as complaining, criticizing, nagging, or making demands. Put another way, pursuers dial the emotional heat up. But they are not bad partners. Their core fear is abandonment. They see themselves as unlovable and their partners as emotionally unavailable. Pursuers pursue as a way to manage the pain of disconnection.
The “withdrawer” is typically the one more satisfied with the status quo. Withdrawers minimize their emotional needs. Because they are highly sensitive to criticism, if they sense something is “off” in the relationship, they cope by moving away from their partner. They want to avoid the pain of judgment and rejection. But they tend to do so using their own insecure attachment strategies such as avoidance, shutting down, walling off, becoming quiet, or distancing. Withdrawers want to dial the emotional heat down. But they are not bad partners. Their core fear is rejection and nonacceptance. They see themselves as never “good enough” and their partner as unpredictable. Withdrawers withdraw as a way to avoid the pain of rejection.
Together, each partner’s moves interact to create a feedback loop. It goes like this:
When I work with cycles in sessions, I use the language of “the more, the more.”
The more the pursuer pursues, the more the withdrawer withdrawers.
And the more the withdrawer withdraws, the more the pursuer pursues.
Paradoxically, attempts to get what we want from the other unintentionally get us the opposite. Pursuers are desperate for connection – that’s why they pursue. But they end up with a partner who walls off and leaves them alone. Withdrawers are desperate to feel good enough – that’s why they withdraw. But they end up with a partner who only comes down harder on them. This makes love hard. And it makes it near impossible to get what we need from our relationship.
Seeing couples distress as the result of negative cycles is a much more compassionate view because it takes blame off the partners and onto the cycle. The problem is neither of you. The problem is this awful, repetitive cycle you both inadvertently trigger when feelings of rejection or abandonment come into play.
Through the process of clarifying the negative cycle, partners come to see each other in a new light. The pursuer, who previously appeared hostile and critical, is now recognized as desperately seeking connection and protesting emotional distance. They desperately want to feel loved. The withdrawer, who previously appeared uncaring and detached, is now understood as distancing to protect from criticism and rejection. They desperately want to feel good enough. A big part of my work with couples is clarifying what each partner does that unwittingly pulls the other into the cycle – remember, “the more… the more.” Together, we work to identify the underlying fears and insecurities that drive this reactive pattern. I aim to create the emotional safety needed so partners can share these vulnerabilities with each other, creating a new, healthy, positive cycle.
Is your relationship getting caught in a negative cycle?
If you think your relationship may be falling into a “the more, the more” pattern, try using the prompts below:
1. When _________________ (the cue that triggers your fear/insecurity, e.g., You’re too tired for sex; We fight about my parenting; You see I’m upset but don’t try to comfort me), I don’t feel connected to you.
2. When this happens, on this inside I feel ________________________ .
3. But I don’t share that with you. Instead, I ___________________ (complain; criticize; nag; zone out; ignore; shut down; yell; etc.). I do this to cope with difficult feelings
4. When I do this, my hope is that ___________________ (We’ll avoid conflict; I’ll persuade you to respond to me; You’ll see my pain; You’ll stop criticizing me; We’ll stop fighting; etc.)
5. When I cope this way, I inadvertently pull you into _______________________ (complaining; nagging; zoning out; ignoring me; shutting down; yelling; criticizing; leaving the room; etc.).
6. As this pattern continues, I feel ____________________ (frustrated; angry; numb; lost; empty; alone; confused; sad; abandoned; ashamed; etc.).
7. What I make up about our relationship is _____________________________________ (summarize the most catastrophic conclusion: You don’t love me; There is no hope for this relationship; I will never be enough for you; I will be alone; etc.). Thinking of our relationship this way leaves me feeling _______________________________________.
8. I will try to change my contribution to this cycle by ______________________ (using a softer tone and being less critical; staying present and not walling off).
9. You can help my change my contribution by ____________________________ (using a softer tone and being less critical; staying present and not walling off).
(Adapted from the book Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnson)